incorrecttonyxeveryonequotes:

Peter: You aren’t coming with me?

Tony: I’m not your dad, Peter. [hands him a lunchbox] Here are your sandwiches. I’ll pick you up at five.

blackwatchguide:

Jesse: "Bring Genji an extra arm so he can properly flip them off!!“

[Read more!] – [Patreon!] – [Buy me a coffee!]

Holding Your Alcohol, Women-Do-It-Better Edition

fedecolombo:

Miguel: Who can hold alcohol better between you two?

Héctor & Ernesto: I can drink him under the table!

Miguel: Ok, neither of you can hold their alcohol at all, got it.

…

Imelda: I drank them both under the table, fact.

batbrosbeforehoes:

Bruce: I got Netflix for you like you asked!

Clark: Oh awesome! I’ve been mooching off Lois’ account for years so this’ll be nice.

Bruce: Wait, what do you mean account?

Clark: Her Netflix account

Bruce:

Clark: Like her profile? I wanted an account of my own. They’re like, $8.

Bruce:

Bruce: Ohhh. You wanted… an account on the service..

Clark: Yeah, what did you think I meant? Wait what did you buy?

Bruce:

Bruce: … Netflix

khfriendlyreminders:

Also random headcanon: Zexion going through puberty and his voice squeaking while giving a very important speech during the middle of a meeting and Xigbar falling off his chair from laughing so hard.

soycube:

not a word from me for akusai month and this is the bs i bring you all.
hands down this was my favourite joke in fairly oddparents

perkigothii-geekius:

headcanon: Gerard and Amélie went as Gomez and Morticia Addams to a Blackwatch Halloween bash. Gerard basically used their costumes as an excuse to fulsomely and publically adore his wife, and his antics led to Gabriel nearly laughing punch up his nose.